


Resident Evil and Silly

by Drindrak



Category: Resident Evil - All Media Types
Genre: ADA freaking WONG, Albert Wesker is a ninja, Claire's kinda of a sarcastic spazz, Crack, Gen, HUNK is The Agent's Senpai, I did say like every character, Jill's a druggy, Moira's... Moira, Some crack things are, XD, and, and Carla is, it's crack as well, like completely, lots of OOC too btw, oh yeah, so watch out, that Chris monologues too much, these are literally based off of things i do/say while playing/watching the games/movies, well Carla acts a lot like Carla and kinda is a bitch xD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 05:47:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4210275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drindrak/pseuds/Drindrak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An entire series based off of what I say when I play the games. "Excella, darling, do try to not dodge my satellite lasers. I need to kill you." "What the hell did you do Chris!" "Sheva you crazy bi*ch! Why'd you waste my last First Aid Spray!" "C'mon Agent, just open the freaking door!" "Ada, wait!" OOC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Four, Anyone?

** #1 Hugz Nao Plz? RE5 **

Sheva gave a glance around. Chris had run off somewhere, leaving her to defend the door from Uroboros infected Africans. She looked up at the sound of hurried footsteps and caught sight of Chris' overly-muscled frame. "Hey, there's no zombie guys here!" She shouted, waving her hand in greeting. She blinked in confusion when he ran past her with a scream of,  
"RUN!" She turned to where he had come from, and choked on a scream. A writhing mass of tentacles was slowly moving towards her. It stopped a few feet from her and extended two tentacles in a fairly innocent gesture.  
"I can haz a hugz?" It gurgled, and Sheva pivoted on her heels and chased after Chris.  
"SHIT!" She shouted, as she caught up to Chris. She glared at him. "What the hell did you do!" Chris turned to her with wide eyes.  
"Nothing, I swear!"  
"Yeah, right!" A gurgle came from behind them.  
"Hugz?" The two looked over their shoulders, and, upon spotting the mass of tentacles reaching for them, ran faster.

* * *

 

** #2 He's Powerwalking! RE5 **

Sheva peeked around the corner of the hall, gun raised in case that leather-clad bad guy full of awesome was there. Said blond haired man was doing his shadowy teleport all over the place.  
"You can't hide forever!" He shouted. Sheva snorted and whispered to herself.  
"I can and will." She looked behind her at the feel of someone behind her. Chris smiled and gave a wave.  
"Hi Sheva!"  
"Chris. It looks like you've finally escaped that druggy."  
"Hey, don't talk about Jill that way! It's not her fault!" Sheva rolled her eyes and leaned closer to the wall. Chris moved around her, and started to peer down the other hall. Sheva copied. "What's Wesker-" They saw him start walking faster, and the turned quickly, dashing down the hallway with a shout of,  
"He's Powerwalking! RUN!"

* * *

 

** #3 How do you say... RE5 **   
** *Uroboros **

Chris kicked the downed body with a smile. Sheva stood next to him, gun raised. Chris nudged the body with his foot, before turning to his partner.  
"What are they infected with again?" Sheva glanced down at the body.  
"Uh-ruh-boros*." Chris' brows furrowed in confusion.  
"Isn't it Oo-ro-boros?" Sheva huffed and crossed her arms.  
"Weskah says it like that." Chris glared.  
"Wesker. -er." Sheva growled in her throat, and kicked the body.  
"Whatever."

* * *

 

** #4 Oops... RE5 **

Sheva raised the rifle, and grinned at Chris, who looked worried. He looked down at Jill, who was glaring up at them.  
"Don't worry, Chris. I got this!" Sheva said, positioning the rifle. Chris nodded.  
"If you say so..." Sheva peered into the scope, and aimed at Jill. The blonde was doing backflips and moving around lots. Sheva increased the magnification in her scope, and, once Jill stopped moving, aimed at the red device attached to the blonde's chest. "Got the shot!"  
"Do it." Chris said, and Sheva pulled the trigger. The bullet whizzed down to Jill. Sheva stared through the scope, horror-struck, as the bullet completely missed and sliced through Jill's neck. Sheva jerked away from the rifle, and watched, along with an almost crying Chris, as a red geyser of blood came from the blonde's neck before she collapsed. Chris shook in rage.  
"WHAT THE HECK! WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING!" Sheva banged her head against the railing.  
"Oh come on! That was the thirteenth try already!"

* * *


	2. Next Four!

**#5 I'm a Ninja Bitch! RE6**

Sherry poked her head over the barricade and silently counted the J'avo standing a few feet away. Jake crouched next to her, checking the condition of their guns, though they were out of ammo. He looked at her and nodded to the barricade.  
"How many?"  
"Three." Jake peeked over the barricade.  
"We'll have to do this stealthily. Sneak up behind them and smash their heads in." He muttered, and Sherry smirked, quietly getting out her stun rod.  
"Got it!" She shouted, hopping over the barricade. Jake groaned and slammed his head against the barricade. "NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-" Sherry started shouting, ramming her stun rod through one of the J'avo's heads. "-IIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN-" She gave a flying kick at the last, knocking his head off of his shoulders and making the body slam into the last J'avo, causing it to fall on it's back. "-JAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" She impaled the final J'avo with a grin. Jake sighed, and leaped over the barricade.  
"Or we could just do that."

* * *

 

**#6 Dammit Leon! RE6**

Helena took one look at the gas-spouting monster and booked it in the opposite direction. Leon may be her partner for this mission, but he was to busy shooting at the thing and she wasn't sticking around that suicidal maniac. She checked her PDA, and noticed her health was down. In fact, she could die from tripping over one of those dead bodies. Which she did, less than a second later. "SHIT!" She shouted, slamming into the ground and groaning in pain. She fumbled around for one of her health tablets, and, just as she was about to pop one in her mouth, Leon just happened to trip over that same body. Her tablet case flew from her hands, and she vaguely heard Leon shout,  
"HELENA!"  
She blinked as a bright white light flashed, and they were standing at their last checkpoint. Leon shifted and rubbed his neck. Helena glared at the ground for a few seconds before whirling on her partner.  
"DAMMIT LEON!"  
"How was I supposed to know that the dead body was RIGHT THERE, and you were DYING!"  
"The fact that I had just tripped over it, dumbass!" She took a breath. "And I told you before we encountered that monster that I had barely any health left!" Leon huffed and crossed his arms.  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

* * *

 

**#7 Where Were You?! RE5**

Chris and Sheva ran as fast as they could away from the Chainsaw wielding Majini. After a few minutes of dodging chainsaw swings and just running, Sheva turned sharply, and dashed off to the right.  
"OI!" Chris shouted, as the Chainsaw Majini slashed down with it's chainsaw, ripping into his shoulder. "AHHHHH!" Chris screamed, as every where was filled with gore.  
"CHRIS!" Sheva shouted, just before a bright white light surrounded them. They reappeared a few minutes in the past, at their last checkpoint, at the now open double door. Chris twitched and glared at Sheva, who was sheepishly grinning.  
"Where the hell were you!" Sheva laughed nervously.  
"Heheheh, I was in a building..."  
"A...building..."  
"Yeah! I was gathering ammo! I was out, you see-"  
"I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!"

* * *

 

**#8 You've Been Bus'd! RE6**

Ustanak, in all it's balding ugliness, charged into Helena, throwing her a few feet away. She smacked into a crate, and fell to the ground groaning. Her PDA beeped, telling her that her health was extremely low. Ustanak brought it's claw down on her, effectively causing her to start dieing.  
"D-Dammit, I need a health pill!"  
"I'd help you, but you're kind of being choked by that ugly bastard!" She heard Jake shout, as he fired a few more rounds into Ustanak. A loud honk made them turn their heads, towards the direction Leon and Sherry had jumped to. A huge, broken looking bus was speeding at them. Specifically, it was heading straight for Helena and Ustanak. Helena barely had time to blink before the Bus rammed into the both of them.  
"HELENA!" Leon shouted out. After a few seconds, the two partners reappeared at the last checkpoint with a bright light. Helena was seething while Leon was hitting himself with his gun.  
"DAMMIT LEON!" Leon glared at her.  
"IT WASN'T ME!" Helena threw open the door and pointed at the blond hiding behind Jake, who was snickering to himself.  
"DAMMIT SHERRY!"


	3. 9 Through 12

** #9 Missiles to the Face! RE5 **

Chris and Sheva ducked behind a wall, hiding from Wesker. Chris glanced around, and whispered,  
"We need another Rocket Launcher missile..." Sheva gulped, and nodded.  
"I'll go get one." She whipped around, and took off running.  
"Be careful!" Chris shouted after her. Sheva turned and waved at him.  
"I will!" She said, before everything exploded into a fiery death and a bright light flashed. The partners blinked in confusion, before Sheva groaned and smacked her forehead. Chris furrowed his brow.  
"How'd you die?" Sheva glared at the leather-clad blond a few feet from them, and pointed angrily at him.  
"He threw a MISSILE at my FACE!" Wesker smirked and crossed his arms.

_**Missiles to the face? Wesker's done that.** _

* * *

 

** #10 Done That. RE5? **   
***Slight parody of above.**

Chris furrowed his brow. "What's Wesker doing?" Sheva pointed at the blond, who was walking quickly towards them.  
"He's Powerwalking!" Wesker smirked and crossed his arms.  
 _ **Powerwalking? Wesker's done that.**_

Chris furrowed his brow. "What happened to Jill?" Sheva pointed at the two blondes standing in the centre of the room.  
"He turned her blonde!" Wesker smirked and crossed his arms, and Jill twitched.  
 _ **Turned Jill blonde? Wesker's done that.**_

Chris furrowed his brow. "What's in those cylinders?" Sheva pointed to the blond standing in the view room, and then at the cylinders.  
"Uh-ruh-boros!" Wesker smirked and crossed his arms.  
 _ **Uroboros? Wesker's done that.**_

Chris furrowed his brow. "Where did Wesker go?" Sheva pointed at the volcano below them.  
"He fell into the volcano! Oooh! Look, his shirt's gone!" Wesker smirked and crossed his arms.  
 _ **Falling into volcanoes? Wesker's done that.**_

Chris furrowed his brow. "Did we get him?" Sheva pointed at the thoroughly destroyed volcano.  
"I'm pretty sure we did!" Wesker smirked and crossed his arms, although he's dead, so no one really saw it...  
 _ **Rockets to the face? Wesker's done that.**_

* * *

 

** #11 I Came to say... RE6 **

Ada frowned, and stared down the row of zombie-things at the zombie-thing with the Red Jewel in it's eye socket. She raised her crossbow, and silently debated just shooting all of the zombie-things and grabbing the jewel.  
"Hmm... decisions, decisions..." She rubbed her chin, before nodding to herself. She strapped her crossbow to her back, and stretched. Gotta do this the old fashioned way and save ammo. She started running towards the zombie-things. "I came!" She bypassed the first zombie-thing with a shove. "To say!" She stabbed another zombie-thing with a combat knife as she passed. She reached towards the zombie-thing-with-the-Jewel's face, and grabbed the jewel. "I love you!" She ripped the jewel from it's face and smirked. "In a totally platonic way. Zombies aren't my thing." She placed the jewel into one of her many pockets, and took out her grappling hook. "I do hope you haven't taken that the wrong way." She aimed the grappling hook, and shot off to the ceiling. "Ada away!"

* * *

 

** #12 Everyone Knows... RE6 **

Chris stood with a hand raised towards Piers, who was aiming his gun at "Ada." His eyes set into a glare.  
"Carla Radames... we meet again." Carla, or Ada, or whoever she believed she was, glared back at him and scowled.  
"I'm Ada. Ada Wong." Chris scoffed.  
"Everyone knows that the real Ada wears red." He eyed her blue dress. "Geez, it's like you've never played the games! What a loser, eh Piers?" Piers gave his captain a confused look.  
"Uh, Captain? What games?"  
"Yes Redfield, what games?" Carla hissed. Chris cocked his head to the side.  
"You mean you two have never played Resident Evil before!" At that moment, Leon and Helena burst in, guns raised. Chris turned to them.  
"Leon! His girly partner! These two say they've never played Resident Evil!" Leon gasped in horror, and Helena sighed and shook her head.  
"You poor souls!" Leon cried out. Carla growled and got out her grappling hook.  
"That's it, I'm leaving!"


	4. Maybe Four More

**#13 Just One Request. Code: Veronica X**

Alfred Ashford let out a really annoying and high-pitched laugh-giggle thing. Claire gaped up at him, half annoyed and half surprised. Alfred let his giggles trail off, and he raised his rifle.  
"Any last requests, Redfield!" He burst into another round of giggles. Claire smiled mockingly and nodded.  
"Yeah, just one!" Alfred stopped giggling and stared down at her. He wasn't expecting her to answer.  
"Uh, ah! I see, what is it then!" Claire glared and shouted,  
"Shut the hell up you red-wearing dork!" Alfred flinched back and slowly started crying. Claire blinked, confused, as he started bawling. He dropped his rifle, started wiping his tears away, and ran off down the upstairs hall.  
"ALEXIA! SHE CALLED ME MEAN NAMES!" Claire stared at the spot Alfred had just been at, and furrowed her brows, her confusion increasing.  
"What the hell?"

* * *

 

**#14 Ada...? RE6**

Leon looked around the rock cavern thing he and Helena had entered a few minutes ago. They had just kicked Helena's sister's ass, and were now recuperating. He heard a slight shuffling behind him, and turned to see Ada slowly trying to sneak away.  
"ADA!" She jumped a bit, before dashing off. "WAIT!" He ran after her, but stopped after a little while, as he lost sight of her. Helena walked calmly up to him and rolled her eyes. A rock falling from above them made them both look up. Ada was shuffling along a small ledge. "ADA!" She jumped, losing her footing. She got out her grappling hook real quick and launched off. "Stop!" Helena patted his arm.  
"Don't worry Leon. I'm sure one day we'll see her again."

Leon squinted at the Ada standing a few feet from him. She was wearing red... even if it was just a scarf. But...  
"A...da?" He wondered aloud, catching her attention. He grunted and glared. Okay, she was obviously mocking him with that not-red dress. Helena raised a brow at him.  
"Uh, Leon? Can we hurry this up? We're all kind of in a showdown here!"  
"Yeah yeah, shush Helena..." Leon took a step towards Ada. "ADA!"  
"Yes?" She questioned, shifting her stance slightly.  
"I thought we agreed that blue was MY COLOUR!" He whined, pointing at her dress. "In Raccoon City, remember!"

* * *

 

**#15 Sister RE6**

Leon stared at the gas-spouting zombie a few feet from him. It looked rather familiar, in fact, it looked a lot like... His eyes widened and he smirked.  
"Hey. Helena! Look, this zombie here!" His partner looked up from the gun she was loading, and raised a brow.  
"Yeah, what of it?"  
"It reminds of your sister!" She twitched and glared at him.  
"Leon, that is one of those disgusting gas-spewing bastards. It does not look anything remotely like my sister!"

Leon patted Helena on the back, and pointed at one of the fatter zombies a few feet away.  
"Hey, Helena, that one reminds me of your sister!" Helena punched him in the gut before shooting at the zombies. Leon groaned in pain. "You didn't have to hit me!"  
"Yes I did."  
"God, I'm sorry, okay? It's not my fault your sister was a homicidal fat bitch." Leon instantly regretted saying that. "Look, don't hit me!" He turned and dashed away, heading for the doors. Helena aimed her gun, and started firing after him.  
"TAKE IT BACK!"  
"NEVER!"

* * *

 

**#16 Tentacle Monsters from Above! RE4**

Leon pushed the elevator button once again. "Why isn't this working!" He shouted, slamming a hand into the button. It was then that he noticed that it didn't have power. "Oh." He looked around the room for a breaker box or something to provide the missing power, but he didn't find anything but some handgun ammo. He grumbled to himself about stupid castles and their inability to keep power flowing, as he walked from the room. He glanced down the part of the hall he came from, before turning in the other direction and heading off. "Gotta be power here somewhere."  
Leon cautiously approached the last door in the hall. The only other room was empty and only had a small jewel in it. He pushed open the door, and stepped in. He looked around, and smiled at the sight of a breaker box. "Oh goodie, Power!" He rushed up to it, and flipped a few switches. He heard a whirring sound, and then the sound of the door locking. "Oh nuh-uh, the door did not just lock on me!" He shouted, running to the door. It was locked, as he had suspected. He muttered angrily to himself, not even noticing the strange monster sneaking up on him, until he turned around. He promptly screamed and ran around it. "Oh my god, what the hell was that!" He looked over his shoulder, and sighed in relief when he didn't see the monster. "Phew..." It was then that he glanced up. And spotted the monster, dangling tentacles and clawed arms at him. "TENTACLE MONSTER! NOOOOO!" He heard the door unlock, and decided that he need not kill the monster. Running for his life seemed like a more interesting idea. "WHY ASHLEY! Why must you get captured so much!"


	5. Okay, Four More

** #17 I'm Not Ada Wong RE6 **

The Agent raised a brow at Ada, as she gestured for him to open the wooden door. He rolled his eyes, not that anyone could see as he was wearing a mask, and reached for the doorknob. Said doorknob promptly disappeared as soon as he touched it. He dropped his hand, and the knob reappeared.  
"You've got to be kidding me..."  
"Oh come on Agent, just open the freaking door!" Ada shouted, raising her crossbow to shoot at some Neo-Umbrella J'avo. Agent grumbled under his breath, and reached for the knob once more. The knob jumped from its spot on the right side of the door to the left. Agent growled, and reached for the knob once again. It jumped from the left, up. Agent continued to try to grab the knob, and the knob kept jumping side to side, up and down, until he finally was able to grab it. He smirked, and twisted. Only to discover that the door had somehow locked itself. He screamed in rage and fired all his ammo into the door. Despite being made of wood, it kept sturdy and whole.  
"GOD DAMN YOU, YOU DOOR FROM HELL!"  
"Oh for the love of... Let me do it!" Ada pushed him out-of-the-way and easily opened the door. She turned to him with a glare. "How hard was that?"  
"Well, I don't know! I'm not Ada freaking Wong, I can't open doors! Apparently, only Ada freaking Wong can!"

* * *

 

** #18 You've Been Bus'd! V.2 RE6 **   
**-Was playing Leon's campaign, and, well, this happened. Twice. Think of it as a continuation of the first You've Been Bus'd!**

Helena made sure to stay as far away from the spot where Sherry last hit her with the old bus. She also made sure to avoid Ustanak. She paused, in the middle of the open area, and checked her PDA quickly. Two little health bars. That was okay, she guessed. Not as bad as before. She checked her guns.  
"Well, damn, only got ammo for my Hydra." She heard a loud honk, and Sherry and Leon shout,  
"HELENA! MOVE!" She glanced behind her, and spotted the old bus. Heading straight for her. Again.  
"For fuck's sake!" She shouted, before the bus rammed into her, and flung her to the side, right into Ustanak. Her PDA beeped, informing her that she was dying and needed a health tablet, just as Ustanak raised his clawed hand. "I hate you so much, Sherry, Leon." She muttered. Ustanak slammed his claw into her, effectively killing her.

"Look, Helena, she said she was sorry!" Leon pleaded, as Helena kicked open the doors, Hydra raised, aiming for the blonde hiding behind a laughing Jake.  
"I don't care." She hissed, as she took aim. "That bitch hit me with that damn bus twice! IN BARELY HALF AN HOUR!" Sherry poked her head out from her redheaded shield.  
"I'm sorry Helena! I never got my driver's licence!"  
"Neither did Leon, but he can drive just FINE!" Leon flushed and mumbled something about cop cars, the worst plane crash in the century, and for her to ask someone named Claire about Raccoon City. Helena decided to ignore him, and lowered her gun.  
"One last try. You hit me with that bus one more damn time, and I'm killing you, you hear!"  
"Y-YES!"

* * *

 

** #19 Invisible Snakes Can Go Fuck Themselves RE6 **   
**-Finally decided to tackle Chris' campaign after my brother and I dying horribly at least 100 times during our last attempt at it. xD Here's what happened.**

Chris watched, horrified and slightly annoyed, as a giant invisible snake looking thing ate his men. He fired his Assault Rifle for a few seconds, before stopping and muttering to himself,  
"This isn't the upgraded form of that snake from the Mansion, is it?" Piers looked at him confused.  
"What mansion?" Chris sighed.  
"Oh Piers, sometimes I forget that you've never played the games before." Piers furrowed his brow.  
"What games?"  
"Nevermind."

"PIERS!" Chris shouted as the snake ate the sniper. With a flash of light, they were at the beginning of the battle again. Less than a second later, Chris stared into the gaping maws of the snake.  
"CAPTAIN!" Another flash of light. A few minutes later, Chris fired at the snake, which then decided to eat him again. "CHRIS!" Chris and Piers, once again, appeared in a flash of light at the beginning fo the fight. Chris grit his teeth roughly and threw a grenade at the snake, but ended up getting ate once again. "CAPTAIN!"  
"FUCK IT! I was saving this for later, but who the hell cares! This snake's going down bitches!" Chris shouted, running towards the giant invisible snake, Grenade Launcher in hand. He shot out grenade after grenade at the thing, until it finally slithered away.  
"Uh... Captain?" Chris smiled a deranged little smile, and turned to Piers.  
"Yes Piers?"  
"Err... good job!"

* * *

 

** #20 It All Makes Sense Code: Veronica X **

Claire glared up at the rambling blond standing on her shoulder. What was his name... Weski? No, Wesker! Yeah, her brother mentioned him a lot! The fight between them went nothing like how she pictured it would. She thought that she'd at least get a shot at him, but no. He went and kicked her ass half way to next Tuesday, and back again. Throwing her this way and that, a kick here and there, before finally standing on her shoulder. He just came out of nowhere. Like a... Like a Ninja! Claire's eyes widened. That was it! Wesker's a ninja!  
"IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!" She shouted, interrupting his monologue. He raised a brow.  
"What makes sense? How I'm going to kill your brother?"  
"...yeah, through butt sex..." She muttered. He growled, and pressed harder with his foot.  
"What was that?" His eyes glowed red from behind his sunglasses. Claire gulped and scrambled for an appropriate answer.  
"Uh, I said... uh... through basic tactics. Yeah, Basic Tactics, that's what I said." She laughed nervously.  
"That's what I thought. Now, as you were saying earlier?"  
"Err, it all makes sense. About how you're able to do the things you do? Ya know, the ninja shit?" He nodded. "It makes sense that you can do ninja shit because you are a Ninja!" He opened his mouth to respond, when his phone beeped. He checked it, smirked, and moved away from her.  
"Never mind that for now. I got to go. We'll meet again soon." With that, he ninja-jumped onto the brick wall next to them, and leaped into the darkness. Claire rubbed her shoulder in amazement.  
"Wow... I just met a real life ninja, and he didn't kill me. Maybe I could get his autograph next time we meet?"


	6. The Late Four

**#21 Excella, Darling RE5**

Sheva and Chris weaved in and out of the ship's corridors, heading towards the satellite laser on the deck. Chris got there first, and quickly unhooked the laser from its many wires. He hefted it up onto his shoulders and grinned at Sheva.  
"Well Sheva? Think it's time to kick Excella's ass?" Sheva shrugged.  
"As long as you don't miss." He twitched.  
"That was one time. One Time."  
"And we died like six times because of that one time."  
"So! You killed Jill like forty times!"  
"That's cause my rifle wasn't tuned properly."  
"What is it, a guitar? It's a damn rifle!" A large tentacle smashing to the ground next to them made them jump.  
"We'll argue later. Let's kill this bitch." Chris raised a brow at her.  
"Alright then. I'm holding you to that." He then launched himself up the ladder, Sheva following at a moderate pace. He aimed the satellite laser, fired, and utterly missed. "SHIT!"  
"What did I say about missing!"  
"SHUT IT! I got this!" He aimed the laser once more after it beeped. He sneered. "Excella, darling, do try not to dodge my satellite lasers. I do need to kill you."  
"Chris just take the damn shot!" He pouted and turned to her.  
"But I had an entire monologue set up for this moment!"  
"I don't care if the freaking President was trying to make a speech! Just take the damn shot!" Chris sighed, and adjusted his aim a bit.  
"Sorry about this darling. But you're going down." And he fired. However, neither counted on the tentacles that came swooping down on them, killing them rather easily. Sheva groaned at the sight of the boat interior. Chris mumbled something or another.  
"Chris, next time, no monologues."  
"Fine."

* * *

 

**#22 Jake's Mother? RE6-ish.**   
***Note, this one does not actually take place in RE. This is just something my brother said and I had to type out.**

The brown headed girl, who we shall call T for now, sighed at the sight of the "You are Dead" message. Her blond brother, newly named J, grumbled under his breath. T reached up and adjusted her glasses before turning to her brother.  
"Okay, J, man, you suck as Sherry."  
"You suck as Jake!" T huffed and set the controller down.  
"Oh come on, I've never played as him before! Hell, I didn't even know Wesker had a kid until now!" J shrugged.  
"Yeah, I didn't either until I play 6." He got a questioning look in his eyes. "Who do you think his mom is?"  
"Isn't he a redhead? I thought Jake would have blond hair, ya know, more Wesker-y looking blond hair." J nodded.  
"Who's all redheaded in Resident Evil?"  
"Claire Redfield is." J grinned.  
"There you go! Claire and Wesker so hooked up and had Jake!" T burst out laughing.  
"Oh yes, and they got married under the moonlight. Dude, J, that's so improbable! I mean, Wesker kicked her ass in Antarctica, and on Rockfort!" J started laughing as well.  
"I guess it is kind of unlikely. But just imagine if she was his mom!"  
"It is funny to think about. But no, Jake's mum was some chick from Edonia. You know, where the campaign started from."  
"Anyway, wanna try again?"  
"Hell yeah!"

* * *

 

**#23 Damn Leeches RE: Umbrella Chronicles**

Rebecca stared, horror-struck, at the big black leeches slowly leaking down from the ceiling of the train. Billy Coen stood in front of her, gun in hand.  
"Pull yourself together lady!" Billy shouted, firing at the leeches. He turned to look at her after a few rounds. Rebecca swallowed roughly.  
"B-But those are freaking huge leeches!" Billy raised a brow at her.  
"Are you scared of a couple of leeches?" Rebecca shuddered and pointed behind him.  
"N-NO! I'm afraid of hundreds of leeches!" Billy turned around as Rebecca booked it in the opposite direction.  
"Son of a bitch! That's a lot of damn leeches!" He shouted, before running after Rebecca. True to her word, there were now hundreds of leeches where the few had once been. "Kid! Wait up!"  
"It's Rebecca! And hell no!"

* * *

 

**#24 Nemisis is so Cool! RE: Operation Raccoon City**

Four Eyes was awe-struck. A marvel of science stood before her, growling out the same word over and over.  
"STAAAAAARS!" It shouted once more, aiming at the rest of the Wolfpack, who had foolishly run down to combat it. She stayed on the balcony they had started on, gathering up all the First Aid Sprays and Antiviral Sprays there. Plus, there was unlimited ammo there!  
"FOUR EYES! Get down here now!" Lupo called up at her, and she sighed. She quickly reloaded her Assault Rifle and joined the rest of the Wolfpack on the ground. Only to realize that everyone but Lupo had died. And that Lupo was infected.  
"Lupo! How are you infected already!" Lupo growled out something and continued firing at the awesome Science experiment before her. "Stop shooting at him!" Lupo gave her a glare.  
"Four Eyes, you better give me some Antiviral spray or so help me god I will murder you right now!" Four Eyes shrugged and aimed a purple-blue spray bottle at Lupo. She sprayed the other woman with the blue-ish liquid inside. "Thank you. Now, help me take down the Nemisis Project!" Four Eyes shook her head.  
"No way! Such a science marvel deserves not the bullets we fire at him!" Lupo grumbled to herself and pointed at the large needle containing the Tyrant Parasite hooked to the scientist's belt.  
"Four Eyes, we need to get the Nemisis under Umbrella control once again. Put your petty science shit away for ten damn minutes!"  
"Fine. But, Nemisis is still far to cool for this." Four Eyes said, before she unleashed a hailstorm of bullets at the Nemisis.


	7. Old-School Four

**#25 You Were Almost... Resident Evil**

Jill lowered her gun, and made use of one of her titles, the Master of Unlocking, to open the door in front of her. She pushed it open, and, now raising her gun, inched herself into the corridor on the other side. A zombie moaned and started slowly making its way towards her. She freaked, and fired her remaining four bullets into it. It flinched back at each shot, but continued to shuffle towards her. She backed away through the still open door, and slammed it shut behind her.  
"Yeah... no, no zombie death-bite for me." She muttered, before moving to the door ahead of her. She opened it quickly. It lead to a bland room with only one other door. She made her way to the other door and moved inside the office-like room there. She glanced around it, before spotting a shotgun resting on a wall. "Ooh, yes baby!" She smirked and removed the shotgun from its spot. She examined it for a few seconds before declaring it in perfect working order. "Now, to get the hell out of here." She made her way back into the bland room, closing the door behind her. And then both doors locked. "Oh shit. That's not good!" She ran to the door leading to the hallway, but it was locked. She heard a grinding sound, and looked up. The ceiling was slowly descending down on her. "Fuck."  
"Jill? Are you in there?"  
"Barry! Help me, the ceiling's falling! Get me the hell out of here!"  
"Back away from the door! I'm kicking it down!" Barry shouted, before the door came crashing in. Jill ran out, just in time. The ceiling crashed to the floor just as she passed through the doorway.  
"Phew! That was close!" She said, wiping her forehead.  
"Yeah. You were almost a Jill Sandwich." Barry said, relieved. Jill raised a brow.  
"A sandwich Barry? I was almost a sandwich from nearly being crushed to death?" Barry flushed slightly and looked away.  
"I'm hungry, okay!"

* * *

 

**#26 Damn Snakes! Resident Evil**

"RICHARD!" Jill shouted, pushing on the dying man's chest. When she noticed his breathing had ceased sometime during her poor attempt at CPR, she removed her bloodied hands and wiped them on Richard's pants. She muttered under her breath about her red-stained hands and stood. "Ugh, where's the closest place to wash my hands?" She questioned, before spotting a door ahead of her. "Oh, that looks promising." She kicked open the door, not wanting to get blood on the handle.

Jill glanced around the small hallway she found herself in, before spotting another door in front of her, atop a few stairs. She bounded up said stairs, before discovering that the door was locked. "Shit." She fished her only remaining Mansion Key, disgusted at getting blood on her pants, and shoved it into the keyhole. It clicked, and she kicked the door open. She stepped into the attic, and grumbled, "Dammit, this is not a bathroom." She spotted something glittering across the room, and her curiosity peeked. "OOH! Something shiny!"She rushed to it, and barely had time to pick it up before a giant ass snake burst out of nowhere and bit her leg. "OW! DAMN SNAKE!" She shot it in its eye, making it rear back and hiss in pain, before limping as quick as she could out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. She looked at the emblem in her hands for a few seconds before shoving it into her pocket. She started to feel woozy as she stepped down the stairs. "Whoa, where'd the rainbow come from?" She mumbled before falling over. "I think... I need that serum shit or something..."  
"Miss Valentine, what a surprise." She blinked and looked over at her Captain. Or was he just a hallucination?  
"Oh hey Cap'n Wekker! Didja see that rainbow?" She gestured towards the other door in the hallway. Her Captain raised a brow, but humoured her and looked at the door.  
"Valentine, you are mistaken. That is a door."  
"Oh for real? Damn, musta be dat snake ven-ve-poison shit." She pointed to the door she come from. "The one in there, I think... eh... I need that serum shit... that Rich... Richard? Yeah... Richard got..." Her eyesight got blurry then, and black around the edges. "An' soon..." With that, she passed out. She vaguely felt herself being moved before she felt nothing at all.

* * *

 

**#27 Decisions, Decisions. Resident Evil 3: Nemesis**

_**Fight the monster** _   
_**Enter the Police Station** _

Jill pondered over her possible moves for a few seconds, before deciding that the giant monster that just killed Brad was absolutely terrifying and running away is most likely the best decision. Unfortunately, she decided this a little too late. The monster rammed into her, picked her up, and promptly impaled her with that weird tentacle thing that he did with Brad. A brief history flashed before her eyes. After watching her death over, she opened her eyes to see the old typewriter that she had written her name on.  
"Note to self, next time, choose your decision quicker."

_**Hide in the back** _   
_**Jump out the window  
** _

This time, Jill wasted no time in deciding. She grabbed Carlos, the nice Umbrella soldier she had just met, and dragged him to the window.  
"Uh, Jill? What are you doing?" She turned to him, before backing up.  
"Escaping that monster."  
"Yeah, uh, how exactly are we gonna do that?" She flashed him a grin and a thumbs-up.  
"We're gonna jump through the window!"  
"Wait, Jill, I don't think-" Carlos started, but Jill wasn't listening. She started running towards him.  
"TOO LATE!" She shouted, before tackling him, sending them both crashing through the window. They fell a few metres, eventually landing roughly on a pile of garbage.  
"Ow, ow, ow... Jill, you're crazy, you know that?" Carlos said as he painfully sat up. "Like seriously, I think I broke something." Jill rolled her eyes and leaped to her feet.  
"Wah, wah, wah, cry me a river. You're a pussy." She flipped him the finger before turning and stalking off down the alley.

* * *

 

**#28 Uh...Barry? Resident Evil: Deadly Silence**

Barry crouched next to the rather large puddle. He dipped his fingers in it, ignoring the weird look he got from Jill, and sniffed the liquid. He sighed and wiped his fingers on his red vest.  
"It's blood." Jill choked on air and pointed at the puddle.  
"Uh, Barry-"  
"It is blood Jill."  
"But Barry, it's-" He glared at her before returning his attention to the puddle.  
"It's blood. I hope it's not Chris' blood."  
"BARRY!" He jumped at Jill's sudden shout, and turned to her.  
"What is it Jill!" She pointed at the puddle.  
"That is GREEN. I don't know if you passed basic Biology, but people bleed RED. Chris bleeds RED." Barry frowned and looked at the puddle.  
"But Jill, it's blood." Jill palmed her face before walking out the side door. She continued down the hallway and saw a gruesome scene. Kenneth from Bravo team was being eaten by a weird, hairless man in a green suit. He moaned in a zombie-like fashion, before jumped on her and clawing at her.  
"HOLY SHIT! BARRY! HELP!" Jill screamed and ran back to the door to the dining room, slamming it shut behind her, and hiding behind Barry, who was rather confused by her behaviour.  
"Jill? What's wrong?"  
"It's a monster! It was eating Kenneth!" The green-suit zombie strutted into the room, all high and zombie like, only to get a bullet to the head. Jill sighed in relief, and looked down at her wounds. She stared, wide-eyed, at her arm. Barry turned to her.  
"Jill?"  
"M-My..." She raised her arm up. "I'M BLEEDING GREEN BLOOD!"


	8. 2930-3132

** #29 Look, Kid... RE2 **

***When I first played RE2, I kept forgetting Sherry's name. And then, when I replayed RE2, it was like Sherry's name just blanked from my memory. Haha, and I played as her in Jake's campaign (RE6) at the same time. Wow brain.**

Claire walked out of the save room, only to get the bejeezus scared out of her by that blonde brat that kept running from her.

"Holy sh-! Kid, where'd you come from?!"

"Claire!" Claire frowned. How did the kid know her name? Wait, didn't they meet already...?

"Uh, hey, err... Sally, right?"

"It's Sherry!"

"That's what I thought it was! I was just testing you." The blonde kid blinked in confusion, and shook her head. As she was about to say something, a loud roar cut the air. "What the-"

"Oh no! The monster's here!"

"Monster?"

"I gotta run Claire!" And, before Claire could really understand what the kid was saying, the brat booked it down the hall, hopped atop a box, and climbed through a hole in the fence there.

"Oi, Kid! Where are you going!" Claire ran to the fence and tried to peer over it at Sherry. "Kid, wait, come back, it's dangerous!"

"Claire! I can't climb back over!"

"Then why did you jump in the first place dumbass!" Claire raged, kicking the fence. Sherry gasped.

"My mommy says that's a bad word!"

"I don't care!"

"Here Claire! Take this. I'll find another way over!" The kid threw something through the hole, and it smacked into Claire's head.

"Ouch! You brat!"

"I'll meet up with you soon Claire!" Claire grumbled and grabbed the shiny key off the ground as Sherry started running off.

"Damn brat... wait... what was her name again?"

* * *

** #30 Do You Know... RE6 **

Jake slowly lowered his shirt over his head and chest. He was thinking about what that crazy bitch in the dress had said. Sherry was behind the locker one over, taking her time getting dressed. He sat on the bench, facing away from the blonde, and frowned. He turned his head to the her, and braced himself to ask... _**the**_ _**question.**_

"Say, Super-girl..." Sherry perked up, and leaned away from the locker to look at him, buttoning her shirt as she went.

"Yeah Jake?"

"Did you know a... an Albert Wesker?" Sherry grinned and nodded.

"Yeah, he worked with my parents in Umbrella! Why?" Jake raised a brow and gestured to himself. "Oh, right! Forgot you were his kid! Haha, I should have told you sooner!" She laughed and finished buttoning her shirt.

"Sherry! When were you gonna tell me, huh?"

"Probs later. But what was I supposed to say? Your father was a megalomaniac asshole that wanted to destroy the world with his so-called dooms-day project Uroboros?"

"Well no, but-"

"And not just that, but that he worked with my father and mother on the T-Virus, which caused the entire Raccoon City breakout? Or that he lead the S.T.A.R.S. team to their deaths in a mansion for test data?"

"I-"

"How about that he faked his death several times just so he could accumulate more power, even if it eventually wasn't enough? That he finally died after falling into a volcano and having Chris Redfield and his partner at the time, Sheva Alamor, fire rocket launchers at him?"

"..." Jake stared at her, speechless. Sherry covered her mouth.

"Oh, shit, I said too much."

"...that guy... Chris Redfield killed my father! I never got to meet the man because of this Redfield guy!" Sherry blinked.

"Out of my entire rant, that was the only thing you picked up? He didn't even do it alone!"

"What do you kno-"

"Jake! Face it. Your father was a power-hungry sociopath that wanted to destroy the world! For Gods' sake, I met the man before the Raccoon City incident! He wasn't much different then!"

"I..." Jake started, falling onto the bench. "I need a drink..." Sherry sighed and patted his shoulder.

"Sorry, but you're underage. Not 21 yet, Boy Wonder."

"Don't ever call me that again."

* * *

** #31 He's Obviously Evil! RE: Degeneration **

***I know this isn't a game, but I recently watched this and I was like, wow. That one guy is so obviously evil it isn't funny. And this was born!**

"Claire, he's not evil." Leon said, rolling his eyes. Claire glared and pointed at the man in question.

"Look at him! He just screams EVIL!" Leon humoured her and looked at the rather ordinary looking man.

"Claire, Frederic Downing is not evil, no matter how much you think so."

"But he is!"

"Why is he evil, huh?" Claire looked at Leon like he was stupid.

"For one, he worked for Umbrella. Two, he's head researcher at a **_pharmaceutical company._** Three, just look at him! Who wears gray-plaid suits anymore! It's tacky and clearly a sign of evil!"

"Look, Claire, I know you've had a bad history with researchers from pharmaceutical companies, but just because he is one, does not mean he is evil."

"He has the antidote to the T-Virus! Everyone and their mothers know that it is illegal to get within five miles of where Raccoon City used to be!" She glared at the researcher. "There was no way the government simply allowed him a sample of the virus." Leon rolled his eyes again.

"Claire, you said it yourself. He worked for Umbrella. He stole a sample before the company crashed and burned." Leon got a confused expression on. "Speaking of his former work, how in the world did you know he worked for Umbrella?"

"His bumper sticker has Umbrella's logo, he carries an Umbrella ID card in his front pocket, and his car fresheners are shaped like the Umbrella logo. Plus, he has a few documents just laying around in his car, all with the words Umbrella Pharmaceutical Company plastered at the top."

"I'm sure there is a rational explanation for those items..."

"Leon."

"Okay, fine. But just because he used to work for Umbrella does not mean he's evil." Claire glared.

"Fine. I'll prove it to you."

* * *

A few hours later, they stood outside of one Frederic Downing's interrogation room. Claire was smirking and Leon was hitting himself.

"I can't believe you were correct."

"I told you! I could **_sense_** his evilness. It's just radiating off of him. Seriously, it was the suit. Only evil people wear tacky suits."

* * *

** #32 In a Second... RE4 **

"LEON! HELP!" Leon twirled around, gun raised for whatever was threatening Ashley. He almost dropped his gun when he saw that she just needed help off the small ledge he himself had just jumped off.

"Ashley, it's a small ledge. Just jump down."

"But Leon! I can't!"

"And why not?"

"LEON! HELP!" He holstered his gun and, while muttering death threats to her under his breath, helped her off the ledge.

"Next time just jump."

* * *

"LEON! HELP!" He turned to her, and saw her standing above the ladder he just climbed down.

"Ashley-"

"LEON! HELP!"

"Look, Ashley, just climb-"

"HELP ME LEON!"

"FINE!" He stomped back up the ladder, threw her over his shoulder, and jumped back down.

* * *

"LEON! HELP ME!" Leon glared, but ignored her in favour of selling a few more items to the Merchant.

"What'cha buying, stranger?"

"Hmm, I can use more grenades. Oh, and that gun. Can I get a few upgrades to my current one first?"

"LEON! HELP!"

"In a second Ashley, I'm busy!"

"That'd be 45'000 pestas, stranger."

"HELP ME! LEON!" As Leon handed over the money, he vaguely noted that her voice sounded further away. He smiled, and checked out his guns.

"Everything looks in order. Thank you."

"Be seeing ya, stranger." The Merchant packed up his supplies and left. Leon turned to see what petty problem Ashley was having trouble with now. Only to see that she was gone.

"Ashley?" He looked around, in and around buildings, for her. "Where'd you go?" He shrugged and contineud on his way. "I'm sure I'll run into her sooner or later."


	9. Late, Late, Four, Four

** #33 NOPE. RE: The Mercenaries 3D **

***So my brother and I recently obtained this jewel of a RE game. This is one of the best games for this series, especially when I play with my brother. Anyways, every time we played together I was Claire and he was Krauser. And, yeah, we sucked.**

Claire Redfield was not having a good time. She had been walking to the airport for her next job, when all of a sudden she found herself next to a dead man on a ship deck in the middle of nowhere, with a horrifying urge to help him fight the many Majini and not just kill him where he stood. And then there was that oddly Leon-esq voice coming from the comm device in her ear.

"Oi, who're you?" Krauser, the man Leon had specifically said he had killed, demanded, drawing an arrow into his bow.

"Claire Redfield. You're Jack Krauser. You're dead." He scoffed, and fired at something behind her.

"Yeah, I know." Claire spun her handgun around in her hands as a chiming sound came from somewhere.

**"** **NEXT WAVE, WAVE 13, 15 ENEMIES!"** Something shouted, and many more Majini appeared, crawling out of the freight and trying to climb up to them.

"Take that! And that! And this!" Claire shouted firing rapidly at any who got close. Just as she let out a smirk and went to holster her handgun, a fleshy-looking chainsaw slammed into the ground next to her.

"Hey bitch! Maybe you should move!" Claire dashed forwards, only to run into yet another chainsaw wielding Majini.

"Ah, hell." She muttered, ducking around the Majini to continue running. It did not help that Krauser was just standing off to the side laughing his ass off. Claire turned a corner, only to meet a dead-end. "NOPE!" She shouted, dashign around the two chainsaw Majini. "NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!" She ran around a still-laughing Krauser, and into one of those fat Majini. "NOPE!" She dodged it's attack, only just remembering that Krauser had been standing there behind her. The fat Majini's attack sent Krauser flying, right into the two chainsaw Majini.

"Well... fuck."

* * *

** #34 An Arrow to the Knee! RE: The Mercenaries 3D **

***Yes. I made that Joke. Several times actually.**

When Claire got over all the weirdness that was suddenly appearing next to a dead man and helping him instead of killing him, she realized that she was having the time of her life. Well, not really as she was still expecting Krauser to turn around and kill her any second, but it was damn close!

"Oi, brat, chin up! Fuck, you gotta aim that damn weapon!" Krauser scolded, prompting Claire to roll her eyes. She hefted the rifle she had higher, and peered into the scope.

"I'll do what I want dammit. I'm only suicidal enough to jump into a group of zombies and knife 'em all to death again." Krauser made a grunting noise but she ignored him in favour of staring down a Majini through her scope. She heard Krauser draw an arrow into his bow.

"Watch this. Head-shot, right off the bat." Claire huffed, wanting to kill the Majini herself, but allowed the man to boast. After a few seconds, she heard him let go of the string, sending the arrow flying. She watched as the arrow neared the Majini, and completely miss its head. "Shit. Damn southern winds." Claire giggled at the spot where the arrow hit. "What are you giggling at?"

'"H-He took an arrow to the knee!"

* * *

** #35 Sometimes, it's Necessary to Electrocute Your Teammate. RE: The Mercenaries 3D **

Claire didn't know what to do. She was low on ammo, and she knew that Krauser was too. But this group of three, no, make that four, here comes one running down the road. Anyways, this group of four Majini were the last ones, and then they'd be done their mission. Claire quickly assessed her equipment. Five bullets left in her handgun, three flash grenades, a proximity bomb, one bullet in her rifle, and two electric grenades in her Grenade Launcher.

"Krauser, how much ammo you got?" Krauser had switched his bow for a submachine gun, but that did not work as well as he planned.

"None." Claire sighed, knowing what she must now do.

"Well then, you can be bait. Get out there and distract them!" She waved him forwards, as she got out her Grenade Launcher. Krauser seethed and glared at her, but complied and got the Majini's attention.

"HEY! Dumbass Majini bastards! Over here!" Claire smiled at him apologetically. "Oi, bitch, what's that look-"

"Sorry Krauser, but sometimes," She said, as she aimed her Grenade Launcher at his feet. "You just gotta-" She pullled the trigger as the Majini closed in on him. "-electrocute your teammate to win."

* * *

** #36 LICK LICK LICK, LICKER! RE2: Claire Scenario A **

Claire grumbled under her breath as she walked through an open door in the Police Station. It lead to a back office, where piles upon piles of paperwork were. _'Oh look! An Item Box and a Typewriter! What joy!'_ She thought sarcastically, typing her name on the typewriter. She pulled a First Aid Spray from the Item Box, and continued on her way. The only other door there was hidden behind an eerily dark shelf and was covered in what she presumed was bloodstains.

"Barbarians." She muttered, pushing open the bloodstained door. "Can't even clean up after themselves." She grumbled about bad hygiene under her breath as she walked down the hallway, absently bending down to grab some handgun ammo and a Green Herb. She came across a half-eaten body and kicked it over, getting another box of handgun ammo. "Geez, c'mon, why're they just leaving this stuff all over? Anyone could just waltz in here and nab some handgun ammo easy!" Something wet dropped from above, and landed in front of her. "What the... drool?" She stared incredulously at the drool that was slowly dripping from the ceiling. "I'm not gonna look up, I'm not gonna look-" She tilted her head, and spotted a grotesque creature sitting on the ceiling. It was disgusting looking and it's brain appeared to be growing outside of its head and it had long ass claws and was that it's... tongue? The thing on the ceiling opened it's mouth, and it's long long long tongue tumbled out and almost touched the ground.

"Grraoooo..." It whispered, and Claire knew it was staring at her even if it didn't have eyes.

"N-Nice doggy?" She lowered herself to the ground and felt for something, anything to distract the thing. It was just as she grabbed the dead man's severed hand that she felt something wet slide up the side of her face. "HOLY MOTHER OF-" She cut off her shout and scrambled back. "WERE YOU LICKING ME?!" The thing tilted its head. "Uh... doggy want a human hand?" She raised the severed hand up, immediately catching the thing's attention. "Doggy wanna play fetch? Wanna get the hand? Do ya'?" She waggled the hand and noted that, despite its lack of eyesight, it was following it. "Well, then, GO GET IT!" She threw the hand down the hallway behind her as hard as she could, and the thing gave a happy squeal and chased after it. Claire tiptoed to the last door in the hall and slammed it shut behind her. "Yeesh. What the hell was that? Who makes a zombie that can lick you death?"

Deep in Raccoon City, the large monster once known as William Birkin sneezed.


	10. The I'm Sorry I'm Late Four

** #37 Axe-Swingin' Majini. RE5 **

***I played through this single player on veteran mode. I** **_sucked._ **

* * *

Chris shot at the Majini climbing through the window. Sheva was at his side, shooting as well. As he got another head-shot, the ground started thumping. Loudly. He turned to the boarded up section of the wall as the thumping neared.

"Uh, Sheva?" He asked, as the thumping stopped. "I think there's- OH HOLY SHIT!" He screamed, as a large axe slashed down into the boards, breaking them apart, and an extremely large Majini walked through.

"Run Chris!" Chris wasted no time jumping out the window and booking it down the road, Sheva at his heels. He stopped running to grab a new weapon, a Machine Gun, that someone just left out on a table.

"Ooh, pretty..." He mumbled, loading the gun.

"CHRIS!" He ducked to the side, just in time to dodge a giant axe.

"AH SHIT! RUN!" He screamed again running away.

"Chris! SHOOT IT!" Chris looked at her like she was crazy.

"ARE YOU CRAZY! I'M NOT SHOOTING THAT THING!" Sheva rolled her eyes and jumped up on a ledge before shooting at the Majini, leaving Chris to deal with The Big Bitch. TM. He screamed like a little girl when The Big Bitch followed him up to the rooftops. "AH HELL NO!" He jumped to the next roof, thinking that a Majini that size couldn't follow. Of course, he was wrong. He screamed again and jumped down, emptying his clip of ammo into it. "STOP FOLLOWING MEEEEEEE!" He shot one last time, hitting it right in the centre of it's stomach, and then, it exploded, showering everything (but not Chris, because he was hiding behind a large crate) in Majini guts.

"You did it Chris!" Sheva called out, jogging up to him. Chris glared.

"No thanks to you!"

* * *

** #38 Fuck This Shit to the Deepest Pits of Hell. RE5 **

***This is also from my veteran mode single-player run.**

* * *

"SHEVA! DISTRACT IT!" Chris screamed, dodging a swing from the Majini's chainsaw.

"WITH WHAT?!" Sheva growled, throwing a rock at the Majini. That ultimately _did_ distract it, as it made a whining noise and went to slash Sheva in half. The slash made Sheva begin dying, making Chris curse as he resuscitated her. "FUCK!" Sheva shouted, pushing Chris away, just in time for him to dodge the chainsaw strike that ended up cutting into Sheva.

"SHEVA!" Chris screamed, as a light flashed. Chris opened his eyes and sighed at the sight of their last checkpoint at the base of the stairs. Sheva was next to him, mumbling and rubbing her throat. "Well, let's try again."

* * *

"CHRIS YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Sheva shouted angrily, as Chris ran off, leaving her with the Chainsaw Majini, _alone._ "GET YOUR COWARD ASS BACK HERE!"

"I'D RATHER NOT!" She heard Chris answer back. A bullet whizzed past her and hit the Chainsaw Majini in the face, making it screech and cover the wound. Sheva took that as a chance to run to find Chris. "SHEVA! What are you doing?! GET OUT OF HERE!" Sheva smacked him on the back of the head and glared.

"You EVER leave me ALONE with a fucking MAJINI AGAIN!" Sheva paused to aim her gun at him. "AND I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF!" Chris raised his arms to surrender, when a chainsaw entered both their lines of vision, heading straight for Chris.

"...shit." Chris said, just as the chainsaw slashed down.

"CHRIS!"

* * *

"FUCK THIS SHIT!" Chris screamed, running down the road with Sheva at his heels. "FUCK IT STRAIGHT TO THE DEEPEST PITS OF HELL!" Sheva ducked out of the way of the Majini's chainsaw.

"CHRIS! SHOOT IT!" Her voice began taking on a hysterical edge as the Majini began swinging it's chainsaw around. "SHOOT IT!" Chris threw a grenade down, and, as it exploded, shot at the Majini with his shotgun. "SHOOT IT! KILL IT! USE FIRE!" One last shot at it's head made the Majini fall over. Chris and Sheva breathed heavily as they stared at the downed Majini. "Did... did we get it?" Sheva whispered, poking the Majini with her rifle. Chris shrugged lightly.

"I... I think so...?"

* * *

** #39 The Name's Claire, Claire Redfield. RE: Code Veronica X **

* * *

Claire crossed her arms as the rather skinny redheaded boy jumped down in front of her. She sighed, and raised a hand to rub her temples. Of course. _Of fucking course._ The only other living person, aside from her and that guard who was dying, was a damned hormonal teenage boy. She groaned as the boy flashed her what she assumed was supposed to be a seductive smile.

"Hey baby, I didn't know someone as beautiful as you was on the island." Claire shuddered and cocked her gun, aiming at him.

"Don't start lover boy. I am _not_ in the mood." The boy sputtered and raised his hands as she twitched the finger that was on the trigger. "I just woke up on this damned island, which, by the way, is overrun by fucking zombies, and I am not, nor am I _ever,_ going to be in the mood for a flirting with teenage boy." The boy reddened and looked away.

"S-Sorry. My name's Steve, Steve Burnside." Claire raised a brow.

"Uh-huh, look, I really don't care." Steve reddened further.

"A-Aren't you going to introduce yourself?" Claire sized Steve up, before turning on her heel and walking away, ignoring his indigent sputtering. "H-HEY! Woman!" Claire sighed, and glanced over her shoulder.

"The name's Claire, lover boy. Claire Redfield." The she turned around again, and walked off, leaving a stunned Steve to stare after her.

* * *

** #40 That Man Just Turned Into A T-Rex. RE6 **

* * *

Helena, with Leon at her side, stared at Simmons as he screamed and ranted and raved at them, before his chest exploded outwards and his skin began bubbling. She watched, horror-struck but also kinda amazed, as the man once known as Simmons turned into a _fucking tyrannosaurus rex._ Leon squeaked as the T-Rex Simmons roared loudly, revealing that there was an eyeball in his mouth.

"P-Perhaps now is the b-best time to run...?" Leon whispered, and Helena absently nodded. Leon grabbed her wrist and they booked it to the opposite side of the room, the T-Rex Simmons roaring and following after. The dived out of the way of Simmon's large jaw, which swooped down to scoop them up.

"HOLY FUCK! SPLIT! SPLIT!" Helena screamed, and she and Leon split up, running in different directions. Helena ducked behind an abandoned car, and reloaded her gun. She didn't even know if her gun was going to be effective against him!

"HELENA! LOOK OUT!" Helena glanced up, just in time to see T-Rex Simmon's mouth-eye staring at her in what looked like smug victory. Helena glanced down at her gun, then up at the eye, then back down at her gun again.

"...fuck."


	11. The Four From Revelations 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for those who haven't seen/played Revelations 2

** #41 It's Rockfort All Over Again. RE: Revelations 2, Episode 1; Claire Scenario **

* * *

Claire cracked open her eyes and, upon seeing that she was in a prison cell, sighed. She sat up slowly and looked around her tiny cell. "Oh, no herb this time?" She muttered as her eyes roved the floor. She shimmied off the bed and began patting her coat and jeans pockets, and sighed once again. "No lighter either." She stretched a bit before heading to the cell door, raising a fist to bang on it and call a prison guard. She knocked on the door once and it beeped and creaked open, leaving a stunned Claire to stare at her fist. "Holy shit." She whispered, bringing her fist up. "I've got magic fists!" She shouted, exiting the cell.

"Claire?! Claire, was that you!" Someone called out from down the hallway. Claire cocked her head to the side and began jogging towards the voice. "Claire! In here!" She turned to look into the cell at her right and frowned at the dark-haired youth inside.

"Oh, Moira, you're here too?" Moira nodded.

"I didn't do anything! But those guys that crashed that fucking party threw me in here!"

"Language!" Claire stated loudly, before she punched the card-scanner that opened the cell. The light blinked red for a few seconds before turning green, making the cell open.

"Fucking shit Claire! How'd you do that?" Moira gaped, rushing from the cell. Claire ignored her for the moment and looked around with a frown.

"Dammit, this is Rockfort all over again..."

* * *

** #42 No Knife For You! RE: Revelations 2, Episode 1; Claire Scenario **

* * *

Claire grumbled under her breath as her and Moira continued exploring the building they were in. Every ten or so feet was a smear of blood and pretty much the entire building was trashed to shit, as if a hoard of zombies were released and left to run rampant. Claire paused at the thought and sighed. Knowing her luck, that was _exactly_ what happened.

"Claire, look! There's a door on the other-side of this cracked glass!" Claire looked through the cracked window and nodded.

"Let me punch it."

"NO! Claire! You'll hurt yourself!" Claire raised a brow and looked at Moira.

"Magic, door-opening, fists here Moira. If these fists can open doors, they can shatter glass." Moira frowned heavily at her.

"No Claire. What would Chris think?" Claire raised a brow and smirked.

"He'd be damn proud of my fists." Moira sighed and glanced around, before spotting something shiny on a table.

"Look! Something shiny!" Claire twisted around to look. The redhead scampered to the table, and, upon seeing a gleaming knife sitting on it, grinned darkly. She lifted the knife carefully from the table and gently ran a finger down the blade.

"Beautiful." She whispered, doing a few practice slashes with it.

"Aw, fucking cool knife Claire! Can I hold it?" Moira asked, sidling up to the redhead. Claire hissed and glared.

"No! No knife for you!" Moira blinked.

"B-But what am I supposed to use to defend myself?!" Claire glanced back at the table and gestured at a flashlight.

"Nothing. Be on flashlight duty."

* * *

** #43 Visitation Rights. RE: Revelations 2, Raid Mode **

***Since I bought the season pass for this game, I got all the DLC along with it. Me and my bro played some Raid Mode as Wesker (Albert, not Alex. I was him) and HUNK (My bro).**

* * *

"Look, HUNK, I just don't care." Wesker said, raising his Magnum to shoot at a zombie that shuffled up to him slowly. HUNK was at his back, firing at the zombies behind him. The blond adjusted his sunglasses and fired once again.

"Dammit Wesker, I'm not even supposed to be here!" HUNK growled, throwing a smoke-bottle at a crowd of zombies. Wesker then threw an electric bottle into the smoke. "I was on a mission in _Canada._ I don't even know where we are!" Wesker shrugged and looked at a sign hanging a few feet from them.

"We're in Edonia." HUNK blinked in confusion, not that anyone could see.

"How did you know that?" Wesker frowned and fired at a zombie.

"Ah, no reason." He switched to his Samurai Edge, as his Magnum was out of bullets. "Hm, I should visit my son, I haven't seen him since he was born..." He muttered. HUNK faltered at the words, his shot missing a zombie's head by a few inches. Wesker tapped his chin in thought, ignoring the fumbling agent. "I don't think I have visitation rights though. His mother was _very_ adamant that I never step foot in her house ever again."

"Visit _who?!_ " Wesker raised a brow and shot the zombie, who dropped a small key.

"My _son_ , HUNK. Yes, I have a son, don't ask how." HUNK shook his head.

"I can guess _how._ I know how babies are made." HUNK picked up the key and unlocked the golden padlock in front of them. Wesker smirked and shot at the new hoard of zombies.

"Do you?" HUNK bristled.

"YES!" Wesker's smirk grew as he reloaded.

"I see. How about you start shooting?"

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" HUNK shouted, gunning down two running zombies. Wesker frowned at him.

"Actually," The blond started, tilting his sunglasses down to reveal his red eyes. "I'm pretty sure I am." HUNK turned to him and blinked.

"Oh yeah."

* * *

** #44 The References RE: Revelations 2, Season Pass, Both Scenarios **

* * *

Claire ran to the dead guard's body, and patted him down, looking for the key-ring that had been on his belt. She frowned and pulled his belt right off, attaching it to herself. She got out the small pistol that was in the gun-holster, and checked it over as Moira ran over.

"Uh, you're, ah, not gonna use that, are you?" Moira asked, gesturing to the gun. Claire shrugged.

"Why not? It's more reliable than any person." She cocked the gun and sighed, the phrase having made her remember that poor hormonal teenager she used to know. "Oh, poor Steve..." Moira blinked.

"Who?"

* * *

"Whoa..." Claire said, glancing back to the room she and Moira were just in. The garbage compactor was still closing, reminding her that she had almost died there. Moira looked at her and frowned in worry.

"Are you alright?" Claire nodded absently.

"Yeah. I was almost a Claire Sandwich." Moira scowled and slapped a hand to her forehead.

"Does Barry tell _everyone_ that fucking story?!"

* * *

"If we use that crane..." Barry started, pointing out the crane through the darkness. Natalia looked up at it. "We should be able to open the gate." Natalia nodded.

"That's a great idea Barry!" Barry smiled in pride at his idea. He then killed a few mutated zombie things and turned on the power to the crane. Natalia crawled through a hole near the gate and opened the fence to the crane controls. Barry shimmied inside and flicked the on switch, before using the controls to guide the large stack of logs attached to the crane hook into the gate, effectively opening it.

"Haha! Who's the Master of Unlocking now!"


	12. Four Times Four Minus Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Revelations 2

** #45 Choke a God RE: Revelations 2, Episode 4; Claire Scenario **

* * *

Moira stood next to Claire, hands clenching around her crowbar, as they listened to the blonde behind the glass in front of them monologue on and on. Something about death, her brother, and well, Moira wasn't really paying much attention to the blonde, but when she began rambling on about becoming a God or something, Moira couldn't help but scoff and raise a fist.

"Why don't you come out from behind that glass so I can choke a God!" The blonde frowned, but continued her monologue.

"My escape..." The blonde started, getting out a gun. Moira and Claire tensed. "...is death." And then she raised the gun to her head and shot once. Moira gasped and scrambled to get away from the blood-splattered glass.

"Holy shit!" Moira mumbled, staring at the body with wide eyes.

" **The Self-Destruct Sequence has been activated. All personal please make your way out of the upper levels. Repeat, the Self-Destruct Sequence has been activated.** " Claire groaned.

"Why is it that every time I'm in a laboratory, or an Umbrella facility, there's a fucking self-destruct system?!" She ran a hand down her face. "Seriously, it's ridiculous." They turned and ran from the room. Moira gave one last glance back and sighed.

"I didn't even get to _punch_ her."

* * *

** #46 GO GO GO SLOWER! RE2 **

* * *

Claire entered the restaurant and frowned at the lack of people. She glanced around and spotted a man slumped against the counter with what looked like ketchup dripping off him. Claire approached slowly and sighed. _'Oh great, that's not ketchup, and I'd bet my left boob that this guy's gonna turn into a fucking zombie.'_ She shook the man's shoulder, and he lurched up with a decidedly zombie-like groan and tried to bite her. "I fucking knew it!" She stabbed him with her knife and ran out the side-exit, only to freeze at the sight of another zombie. "Dammit." She stabbed the zombie in the head with her knife and smirked as it crumpled to the floor.

"Get down!" Claire didn't question the random voice and ducked, letting a bullet whiz over her head and collide with a zombie behind her. "This way!" She ran towards the voice, and saw that it belonged to a pretty-boy looking cop sitting in a cop car. Claire slid into the passenger seat.

"GO GO GO!" She shouted as a horde of zombies came towards them. Pretty-boy cop slammed down on the gas, making the car speed forward. Claire glanced out the window and sighed when she spotted empty streets. "Alright pretty-boy, you can slow down." The cop glanced at her and sped up. Claire, who had just realized that neither she nor the cop were wearing seat-belts, grabbed hold of the dashboard. "SLOW DOWN!"

"And get eaten?! NO WAY!" They turned a corner. A figure shuffled down the road.

"STOP STOP! THAT'S A WOMAN! YOU'RE GONNA-" She was cut off as the cop slammed hard on the brakes, almost sending her through the windshield. The car slid to a stop just in front of the woman. Claire released her death-grip on the dashboard and sat back in her seat. "Holy shit man, next time slow the hell down!"

* * *

** #47 Every time! RE: Revelations 2, Episode 4; Claire Scenario **

* * *

Claire motioned for Moira to follow her as she lifted her gun. She held it in front of her, ready to shoot, as they approached the elevator. Claire leaned against the side and peeked out to look just behind the elevator, and, seeing nothing, she stepped out of cover. The doors to the elevator were opened but no one was inside.

"It's empty?" Moira muttered, as Claire cocked her gun.

"Nope." Claire said, just as a heavily panting and probably dying Neil staggered out, hand gripping the fabric of his shirt tightly. "Told you." Claire shot her a smug look and Moira scowled. Neil began wrapping up the monologue he'd apparently started while they were distracted. "Oh, shit, sorry Neil, I wasn't listening." Claire said, lowering her gun. "Could you start from the beginning?" Neil growled.

"Uroboros... it isn't death... it's..." His back arched and he screamed. "POOOOOWEEEEER!" And then, he started mutating. Claire and Moira watched in horrified fascination as he began turning into a large, heavily muscled, monster, much like the one Jill described all those years ago. And, as he turned to the two with a soft groan, Claire smacked her forehead.

"EVERY TIME!" Moira turned to the redhead with wide eyes.

"C-Claire?" Claire pointed at the confused-looking Monster Neil.

"Every time I find some guy I really like, they end up turning into a FUCKING MONSTER!"

* * *

** #48 #DAMMITBARRY RE: Revelations 2, Episode 1; Claire Scenario **

* * *

Moira grumbled as she answered another text from her sister, Polly. _'Stupid Barry! I'm an adult, I can make my own fucking decisions!'_ She growled in her mind. Her phone vibrated and displayed a text from her father.

_R u sure u want 2 join TerraSave? U could get n troubl. TerraSave has enemies. Pls text back. Luv u._ She rolled her eyes and shook her head with an angry sigh.

"What did he do this time?" Moira nearly jumped out of her skin at Claire's sudden voice. She turned to her redheaded friend and gestured vaguely to her phone.

"Fucking Barry!" Claire cracked a smile and nodded, prompting Moira to continue. "You know, if it was up to him, I wouldn't even be-" She was cut off by the lights going out. As the windows were lit up by a bright light, Moira began writing out a short, simple tweet.

_#DAMMITBARRY!_ Was all she could write before a couple of soldiers burst into the room. She quickly sent the tweet out before shoving her phone into her pocket. _'He fucking jinxed me!'_


End file.
